Come in and have a seat. Grab your favorite coffee mug or wine glass and let’s have a canid conversation about marriage.
Do you remember playing house as a young girl?
You were always the mama and had a ton of kids. You always dreamed that one day, playing house would become your real life. You would meet the man of your dreams, have 2.5 kiddos and a dog for good measure. I know I do. Being a wife and mom has always been a dream.
Growing up in church, I always knew the importance of a woman’s role as a wife and mother. It was a badge of honor. It was one way that God showed his love for us, right. Divorce was a nasty thing and was pretty close to being the worst thing EVER! We have been trained to fight for our marriages, to forgive and let go, to give grace upon grace each day. While all of that is true, while all of that is necessary, we as church girls were never taught how to bounce back from divorce.
here I am writing from a standpoint of being married and divorced under 30. Shocking I’m sure. I am not writing to share what went wrong or was right within my marriage. In my case, my ex-husband and I are still great friends. I personally believe that our friendship became stronger after our divorce.
What I want to discuss today is the emotional rollercoaster that we endure after divorce and I want to share with you that your rollercoaster is not a bad thing. You are experiencing a huge change within your life. It has been said that divorce is a death. I can agree with that, but I don’t believe in staying dead. You certainly have the power to change the direction of your life by changing your mindset. What you choose to speak life over, grows.
There are several things that may change after divorce that are rarely discussed but I would like to discuss becoming a new you this week.
Firstly, you endured divorced.
You are not a divorce (meaning you are not dead). How you speak to yourself about yourself is vital. There may have been things that you did wrong within your marriage. That is normal. No one is perfect. The key is to become aware of the issues your brought forth, to create a plan of change and to act. You must also grace yourself in knowing that you will not get it right every time. You can mess up. Try not to beat yourself up because you fall short. We all do. If you are lacking self-worth, spend some quiet time with God and allow him to reinforce who you are. You are beautifully woven piece. Psalms 139:14 says “
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship
is marvelous—how well I know it. NLT
Secondly, you may learn that your needs or wants have changed.
I believe we go into some situations believing that we need something because we were taught that we need it. For example: we all need
communication, but there are multiple ways to communicate. You may learn that the way you feel
secure within your marriage is different than before. You may even learn that the way you define
intimacy has changed. You must learn to communicate your needs in a way that is honest with those
who you are building relationships with and to allow them time and space to adjust or adapt to them.
We must not expect someone to “get it” right away each time. Continue to have conversations about
what you need. Those who love you will be willing to listen and if they value the relationship, you will
begin to see progress.
Lastly, don’t change the things that make you smile about yourself.
Too often I hear women ask, “Was it me”? That can be a tricky question to ask. You are placing control over who you are in the hands of another person. That is not fair to you. As I stated above, no one is perfect. We are all flawed. However, there are things about you that make you unique. Don’t ever dim your light. If you laugh loud, keep laughing. If your smile is a little crooked, don’t apologize, if you snort when you laugh, keep snorting. If you like “weird things” keep being weird. Wear your glasses, wear those mix-matched socks. Girl be you! Don’t allow the opinions of others, or the desires of others to shape who you are.
Overall, I encourage you to continue to speak life into your own life. You are not a failure. You can cry, yell or scream as much as you need, but never ever allow yourself to stay in a place of defeat. Whether you marry again or not, you are special. You are a Daughter. You are valued within and without marriage. Fall in love with yourself again.